Each time a new nurse or therapist gets caught up on Luka's charts, they all say the same kind of thing. "Wow, he sure had a rough start" is the most common. "Rough start" must be PC hospital terminology, because it's said a lot. So much in reference to our kid that we've given him a new tough guy name: Luka "rough start" Saluzzi.
Little Luka Rough Start is still in NICU, unfortunately. He is doing great, but what's holding him back from going home now (still) is being able to feed by mouth, keep his body temp regulated on his own, and have his liver counts get back to a normal range. His liver is taxed from all of the meds he was on in that first terrible week, but an abdominal ultrasound showed now signs of anything too unusual. He is doing better with the mouth feedings, including breast feeding once a day and bottle feeding breast milk twice a day. But being premature as well as being so sick and sedated for a week and a half has set his feeding development back a bit. It's so hard, but we have to be patient. Ken and I go visit him twice a day, and he is an amazing little kid. He's funny and adorable, and we can't get enough of him. It's so damn hard to leave him and go home each day. We are going on three weeks now, and every day that passes feels like a kick to my gut. I try to stay positive most days, but honestly I feel like the longer he's in the hospital with nurses tending to him instead of his parents, the more difficult this all becomes. Like he's slowly floating away from us into a parentless void, with nurses and doctors filling in where we cannot. I want to scoop him up and take care of him, but I can't! But right now Luka is in the driver's seat as far as when he can come home. As soon as he's able to, he will get there.
As far as me, I have a torn surgery incision, and my rightie has mastitis. A round of antibiotics, it is. I'm still pumping 5,000 times a day, and producing less milk than ever. They tell me it's from the stress and not being able to be with Luka as much as I would be if he were home, but still I'm starting to feel terribly inept as a mother. I couldn't finish growing him correctly, now I can't give him enough food... I know this is silly and stuff I can't control, but damn. It really sucks.
Please come home soon, kid. We love you so much. I promise to do my best for you.
You are such a great mom. Please try not to worry too much (I know - easy for me to say). Keep repeating positive affirmations ("I am a healthy mom and produce an abundance of milk" springs to mind - I'm sure you can tweak it, but it needs to be an "is", not a future tense) while you pump. Pictures of the baby and visualizations are supposed to help with milk production. Maybe you could record the sounds Luka makes and play them at home? Videos would probably help even more.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping he's home with you soon. XOXOXOXOXO
I know it's hard but try to think of little Luka as still in the womb and just not ready to come home. He will not remember any of this so don't worry about doctors replacing you. I can almost guarantee that when he is home you are relaxed and have skin to skin contact that the milk will come. If it doesn't that is not a measure of how good a mother you are. It's the years of love and guidance that you are sure to give in the future that counts.
ReplyDeleteI think the milk will really come in when he's with you more. In the meantime, those mother's milk teas are pretty good and I think they really help.
ReplyDeleteIt's going to be the happiest day ever when he gets to come home. He's doing so good, it can't be too much longer.
Thanks for the update. I'm glad the ultrasound results were good. Your milk will start flowing as soon as he is home. When I was pumping at work I would hardly get anything- very frustrating. I had to bring in pictures and really focus my mind on my son not the other 1,000 things I needed to be doing.
ReplyDeletesending love. you couldn't even be an inept mom if you tried, so don't you dare beat yourself up, lady.
ReplyDeleteoh dear leigh. i am so sad to hear you say this. but you are not alone! your milk WILL come in, there is a prescription you can get that will make it come more, and ask for skin-to-skin contact with the little man. that will do wonders. for the BOTH of you. he needs YOU in order to get all better. when you hold him and touch him and he can smell you and know you are there, that will make him get better faster. it's true!
ReplyDeletein the meantime, get a prescription for REGLAN. it worked wonders for me when ruby couldn't nurse, and i am SO grateful i got it. drink the tea, take the fenugreek, stink it up girl. that boy wants his momma's milk. you RULE!!!!!!!
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoox
i just wanted to say that i'm thinking of you all. so there. i said it. <3
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