on vanity and pregnancy.

Feeling tired, fat and happy. I'm calling this picture 19 weeks, though it's really more 18 weeks 5 days. Close enough.

I've been reading as many pregnancy books as my local library can provide me with, and that's been going well. But I picked up a real stinker this past week called The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy, and much of it's contents got me to thinking about how women view themselves physically when they become pregnant. I am going to pick on this book a lot, but my reason is because I'm afraid that a lot of women feel the same way and relate to the issues raised in The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. It's a really popular book, from what I understand.

Now, I'm not without my insecurities, pregnant or no. I much don't care for my extra padding all around, and my good intentions to go without coloring my hair while pregnant have been strained by my four month old roots and grays peeking through. But overall, I'm pregnant because I want to be. And being a mother holds a lot more water with me than being traditionally "pretty" by some kind of society standards. Some days I have to remind myself of this more than other days. Perhaps because of drivel like this (and yeah, the author takes liberties with her all caps button):

"DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR OFF WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT! Don't forget, your face is pregnant, now, too, and you need bone structure to pull off that look." "And your husband, whose nerves are pretty raw at this point, will probably snap if you cut your hair, since we all know most men prefer long hair under any circumstances..."

My first thought when reading this was to look at the publishing date. It's 1995, not 1953 as I was hoping. An old, dated book or some kind of sick joke are the only two things that could explain this kind of bizarre, self-loathing garbage. So, pregnant ladies shouldn't sport a short hair cut because they have fat faces and their husbands will be pissed? What kind of jackass has this woman decided to spawn with?

"If I were to have let my hair return to its natural brown and gray condition every time I was pregnant, my children might have been spared some indirect contact with chemicals, but they would have also been born to a single parent, because my husband surely would have left me after the first two inches of the "real me" had grown out."

I mean, really. Do we need to call the authorities on this guy for emotional abuse, or does the author just need lots of therapy for her extremely low self esteem?

There aren't any definitive answers available on the whole "hair color while pregnant" topic. Lots of people do it, and their babies are just fine. Others choose to forgo any additional chemicals while pregnant, just in case. Either way, it's a personal decision and I would hate to think that there are pregnant women out there who go against what they feel comfortable with because they fear being seen as ugly by their partners, friends, or strangers.

The author takes lots of jabs at her own perceived fatness: "I just have a hard time reconciling my own pregnant dimensions with the size-four clothes in my closet." Yet devotes an entire chapter on why exercise should be completely avoided during pregnancy. No, seriously. Here are her completely ridiculous reasons.

1. You will be too tired
2. You will not look good in your leotard
3. You will get fat anyway
4. Exercise will not help you in labor or delivery
5. You might endanger the pregnancy
6. Even of you don't endanger the pregnancy, if something goes wrong you will forever wonder if exercising caused it.
7. It's "nine months up nine months down" in the weight gaining department, no matter what you do.
8. Our compulsion to exercise when we are pregnant is a reflection of our inability to surrender and let nature run it's course.

See, what her list says to me is that the sole purpose of exercise is to make us thin, and what's the use when pregnant? The truth is, pregnancy-modified exercise routines are not only acceptable, they are encouraged to help keep pregnancy discomfort down, reduce stress, boost energy, prepare for childbirth, keep blood pressure in check, sleep better, and more. As far as her #8, I certainly don't have a "compulsion to exercise". I hate exercising. But I do it because I want to feel better even if I'm just walking or stretching. How many well-meaning pregnant women have read this chapter and decided to just sit down for nine months in fear of hurting themselves or their kid? How many suffered for even lower self esteem when they started to feel shitty from not moving their body a little bit? Again, exercising while pregnant is a personal decision that should be made by the individual, not by some unqualified, fat obsessed crazy lady.

As a woman, I sometimes struggle with physical insecurities. I probably always will. But I also vow to continuously remind myself why the content of my character is more important than my book cover. Or something like that. And when that doesn't cut it, I'll list out things I like about physical appearance. Here are a few reasons why pregnancy has been cool for my self esteem so far.

1. My hair is thicker than it's been since high school. Considering the fact that I have a supposedly permanent case of diffuse pattern Alopecia Areata, it's real nice to have thicker hair and not deal with pesky handfuls of hair after shampooing. My dermatologist told me that pregnancy would probably make it go into hiding, so I'll just enjoy it while I can. Thank you, hormones!

2. My nails are strong as... er, nails. I'm usually a biter, but not anymore. My nails are in the best shape they're ever been. Thank you, hormones!

3. My skin isn't as dry as before. Sure, I could really do without the cleavage acne, but I'm loving the slightly dewy complexion that's happening right now. Thank you, hormones!

This post turned more ranty that I meant for it to. So I'll simply end with this. Pregnant ladies, let's all vow to love our bodies for what they do for us and our babies. And if we have people in our lives that make us feel ugly simply for being ourselves, let's choose to hang out with different people then, okay? Okay.

17 weeks 5 days.

This morning's appointment had me feeling a little like Rosemary Woodhouse. Sometimes it's a lot of stress to be this hormonal.

"There are plots against people, aren't there?"

First let me start off by saying that I know this shit isn't right. I am not normally so sensitive, and I certainly don't cry at the drop of a hat. That is, until recently. I hate blaming actions on things such as hormones. It sounds like such a cop out. But I knew something was up when Ken and I went to a restaurant for dinner last weekend, and I started crying in the car because the restaurant was too crowded and didn't have the vegetarian options listed on their website. Crying? Over tacos? Oh, it gets better.

So the appointment this morning. I haven't been to the doc for a month, and I never know what to expect because they never tell me anything. Seriously, I usually have to drag information out of these people as they're running by me. I knew from friends that the big ultrasound where they check the spine, organs, and can possibly find out the gender is around 20 weeks. Also keep in mind that they have performed an ultrasound at every single visit up to this point. Five ultrasounds, people. This has me under the impression that an ultrasound is typical for an appointment. I've never done this before, what the hell do I know?

I go in and the nurse weighs me and takes my BP. I ask her if I can wait until after the ultrasound to give the urine sample, since the bladder needs to be full for them to see best. Her response was, "What makes you think you are getting an ultrasound?" I told her that I didn't know, then asked what we were supposed to be doing today if not an ultrasound. "Just a check up", she told me. "You were supposed to have scheduled your 20 week ultrasound already. It's done at a different location". My response, "I was? Nobody told me that." She said, "Well, it's probably not your fault." Then she huffed around while checking my vitals. I asked her what my starting weight was, so I could know how much weight I've gained total, and she informed me that she can't look right now, but she would tell me in a minute. She didn't.

We went to the little room to wait for the doctor, and Ken tells me he's sorry, because he knew I was hoping for an ultrasound. Honestly, I really don't understand having to drag my ass out there for them to just weigh me and take my urine. Is there really nothing else for them to check after a month? Anyway, I started crying because I felt like the nurse was trying to imply that I didn't know what was going on when I should have. I was also pissed that no one had told me to make the 20 week appointment. It's "probably" not my fault? How about it's not my damn fault, lady? So just as I start crying, the nurse walks in to tell me more about this 20 week appointment which I should have already scheduled at the other location. She sees that I'm upset, and asks why. I told her that I feel like I'm not being given the information that I need. "Well, did you get the book at your first appointment?" she asks. You mean the notebook of general information on pregnancy, and nothing really specific about what to expect at each visit? Yeah, I got it. This pisses me off more, so I cry more.

Then the doctor walks in and wants to know what's going on. The nurse blurts out, "She's upset because she's not getting an ultrasound". I tell him that's not why I'm upset, but now I'm more pissed and embarrassed, so I cry more. He's a really nice guy with a much better beside manner than Miss "See You In Tahiti" nurse, so he says, "Hey, an ultrasound will only take 5 minutes, why don't we do one for you?" Tahiti nurse then leaves the room.

I start apologizing to the doctor for crying, letting him know that it's unlike me, etc. He tells me that hormones make pregnant women cry at everything, and not to worry about it. I really felt bad, because I didn't want him to think I was trying to manipulate the situation by making a scene. I don't play like that. I felt terrible. But the guy did an ultrasound with a smile, and spent a lot of time on it, too. He said we could look for the gender, but the ultrasound machine at this location isn't as sensitive. We tried real hard to tell the gender, but the baby was moving around way too much to see for sure. It almost looked like a boy, but doc couldn't confirm if what he saw was the baby's peenee or part of the umbilical cord. So we shall find out for sure (hopefully) when we go to our "real" ultrasound later on.

Here's what crying got me. Picture time.



Bottom of the feet. He/she was moving around a whole lot. Flips and everything.



Here's the kicker. This afternoon I called to schedule the 20 week ultrasound, and the scheduler said, "You should have scheduled this earlier. We're booked up through December." Of course. But after much prodding, they squeezed me in between two other appointments the first week of November.

I want tacos. And chocolate cake.

16 weeks!

food image from The Bump.

Four months along?? Kinda scary. Exciting, but still scary. One thing people keep telling me upon finding out the status of my uterus is, "Your life is going to change". I am aware of this, really, I am. Hence the scary. But change can be good too, you know. Change can be challenging, fulfilling, beautiful and well worth it. In fact, even though I've never done this whole mothering another human thing before, I can say with certainty that I know it will be well worth it.

I'm feeling pretty good this week so far. I felt the first flutters from the fetus, which was pretty cool. It has happened a few times now. It feels like there's a moth flapping around just under my skin. It's going to be extra cool to feel kicks later on down the road.

I have also started to get that super-smelling thing that happens to many pregnant ladies, and I pretty much hate it. I smell everything and everybody. Cologne, cigarette smoke, b.o., cat piss, you name it, and I can smell it way stronger than you. Bleh.

Two more weeks until our next appointment! I hope we can find out what flavor of baby we're having then.