thoughts on the birth and the NICU experience.

The first time I saw my little Lu, in the NICU.

Two months later, I am just starting to get my thoughts straight on just what the hell happened with Luka's birth. I mean, wow. What a whirlwind of crazy that was. So many emotions went with having an emergency birth and a new baby in critical condition, not to mention being hormonal. The biggest thing I dealt with personally was guilt. I kept blaming myself for his condition, as if I could have done something to prevent it. At the hospital, it was never really adequately explained why there was distress in utero. I was told that my placenta was calcified, but not why or how. After talking to my OB, I found out I have no risk factors for such a thing. I'm not a smoker, a drug user, no high blood pressure, my diabetes was well controlled. I was sure the diabetes had something to do with it, though my doctor insists it does not. He said that sometimes placentas start out not so great, then get worse as the pregnancy progresses. Still, all of Lu's paperwork has "gestational diabetes" listed as a maternal complication. I have had to work through the guilt though, as it is unfounded and doesn't do anyone any good. I had the best pregnancy I could have, and we have a beautiful kid to show for it. A quarter of a million dollar kid, to boot. Yes, his hospital bill, before insurance, is more than a quarter of a million dollars. We don't know exactly how much we owe yet. Not that it matters, because we aren't giving him back!

I've heard lots of people say that their birth plan went out the window when the birth actually happened. And it's true that you can't always plan things to a tee. And damn, did my plan ever go out the window! I planned for a natural birth, with lots of guided imagery and breathing, showers and back massages from my husband. I planned to breast feed immediately, and have our son stay in the hospital room with us for lots of immediate bonding. What I got instead was an unexpected emergency c-section, completely knocked out with general anesthesia. Followed by 24 hours of heavy sedation, unable to stand up to be carted to see my son in NICU, or even focus on what his doctor was telling me about his condition. The whole thing was so confusing and terrifying. I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't still pregnant, since I had no recollection of the birth. I found myself patting my belly and talking to him, not ready to accept that he was fighting for his life two floors beneath me.When my catheter was out and the morphine was wearing off, I finally was able to go see the little guy. I stood there by his tiny little hospital bed, looking a mess in my thrift store pajamas. I cried, and cried, and cried, while the nurse kept urging me to sit back down in the wheelchair. I asked questions about when Luka could come home, and how long it would be before I could hold him. All questions about his future were met with a brick wall. It hurt, and I know now that they weren't being mean, they just didn't want us to get our hopes up because they didn't know if Luka was going to be okay or not.


next entry, Lu's month in the NICU. Or, how not to take a nurse's shitty attitude personally.

onward.

silly little monkey

Luka is still doing good, I think. He's such a wee little guy, with flailing arms and wailing lungs. I toted him to the doctor today because he sounds congested and wheezy, and found out he has a either cold or allergies. Luckily, it's only in his sinuses, and his lungs are perfectly clear. He's been out of the hospital three weeks, and has been to the pediatrician three times so far! Geez. After his beginning, I don't want to take any chances and not take him if something seems up, though. I don't want to break him.

I've been taking Rough Start with me to work every day this week, and I manage to get about 9% of my work done. But he does like the Moby wrap for a little while at a time, so I can do some things hands-free. He's so dang cute in the wrap!


wrap it up, I'll take it


mom's-eye view in the wrap

His hair is hilarious and outta control. After we shampoo it and give it a towel dry, he looks like Christopher Walken.

I find myself staring at him all the time. Luka that is, not Christopher Walken. Haven't gotten tired of it, yet.

Home.

Luka's first week home has been pretty fun! I think he likes being here, and he's getting used to his new digs. Ken and I are enjoying getting to know him better, and trying to figure out this whole parenting thing day by day. Sleep deprivation is no picnic, but of course we were expecting that and we know it doesn't last forever. Multitasking has been harder than I expected, with things like trying to figure out when to eat, shower or pump milk when caring for the boy. How do people find the time to actually cook a meal? I can't imagine how a single parent gets along in the beginning without help! It's all good, though. We do spend a whole lot of time staring at him while he's sleeping, and singing to him when he's awake. Luka is damn adorable.

Lu has had one pediatrician appointment so far, and has another one scheduled tomorrow. His liver count needs checking since leaving the hospital, and they are keeping good track of his weight to see if we need to adjust any of his feedings. Last Monday he weighed 5lb 9oz, so hopefully he's even bigger tomorrow. At home his health seems okay, though he's struggling with acid reflux pretty bad. It's pretty common for infants, especially preemies. It's so hard to hear him gurgle and fuss, knowing it's because he's in pain from the reflux. He should grow out of it, but there is medicine he can take if it gets too bad. We have him sleeping on a slight incline to help a bit.

The cats are not completely thrilled with the new addition to our pack, but they're coming around. Moe gets irritated by the crying, and Miles seems to want to help. Either that, or he wants to eat Luka. We aren't sure which.

Okay, more soon when I have more sleep and can think straight!!

I and Love and You.

Load the car and write the note



Grab your bag and grab your coat



Tell the ones that need to know



We are headed north.

After one month in the hospital, our Luka finally gets to come home with us on Sunday! It will be one day after his original due date. I'm so relieved that I can hardly stand it. I hope he does great at home, without doctors and nurses at the ready day or night. I'm kinda going to miss checking the monitor to see what his oxygen saturation level is, and what his heart rate is doing. Luka, your mom and dad may not be health care professionals, but we are pretty fun people. I hope you like it here with us. xoxoxo

day 24 in NICU: let's go already.

Yes, little Lu is still in the hospital! This Sunday will be one month in NICU. He is doing so much better with his mouth feedings by taking in six feedings a day. He just needs to be able to handle eight feedings a day in order to come home. Earlier this week they were telling us discharge could be as early as this weekend, but it's really up to the kid. We are dying to take our little muffin home.



Here are some pictures from his first bath. Whew, he hated it so much. Traumatic!







We have Luka's room all ready for him when he decides it's time to come home.





We have had talented friends give Luka some amazing handmade gifts! We have several knitted blankets and hats that are simply awesome. Our friend Jeanette makes handmade pottery, and sent us this fabulous keepsake plate.

We have such nice family and friends!

For my mama friends who have given me advice on milk production, thank you so much. I am doing everything I possibly can to work on my milk, from your advice and the lactation consultant's advice. Including: Taking an herbal Lactation Blend, eating oatmeal, pumping all the time, massage, these warm pad things, skin to skin contact with the boy as often as possible, a nipple shield, repeating mantras while pumping ("I produce an abundant supply of milk"), picturing the boy nursing while pumping, pumping at the boy's bedside, etc. I think about milk and my boobs all day long, it's exhausting. All for about 2 oz. per pump session. But I will keep at it, and just hope my milk supply gets stronger when Luka comes home with us. I am grateful that he has a good latch when we do try, at least. And the hospital banks all my milk and gives every drop of it to him, though it has to be cut with nasty formula in order to give him enough calories. But we have to keep him fed and healthy, and I'm trying my best to stay positive for when he comes home that we will eventually be on all breast, all the time. Positivity is good. Plus, I'm sure the lactation consultants are tired of me crying all the time.

Now let's get this boy home soon, PLEASE!!

day 18 in NICU: little Luka "rough start"

Each time a new nurse or therapist gets caught up on Luka's charts, they all say the same kind of thing. "Wow, he sure had a rough start" is the most common. "Rough start" must be PC hospital terminology, because it's said a lot. So much in reference to our kid that we've given him a new tough guy name: Luka "rough start" Saluzzi.

Little Luka Rough Start is still in NICU, unfortunately. He is doing great, but what's holding him back from going home now (still) is being able to feed by mouth, keep his body temp regulated on his own, and have his liver counts get back to a normal range. His liver is taxed from all of the meds he was on in that first terrible week, but an abdominal ultrasound showed now signs of anything too unusual. He is doing better with the mouth feedings, including breast feeding once a day and bottle feeding breast milk twice a day. But being premature as well as being so sick and sedated for a week and a half has set his feeding development back a bit. It's so hard, but we have to be patient. Ken and I go visit him twice a day, and he is an amazing little kid. He's funny and adorable, and we can't get enough of him. It's so damn hard to leave him and go home each day. We are going on three weeks now, and every day that passes feels like a kick to my gut. I try to stay positive most days, but honestly I feel like the longer he's in the hospital with nurses tending to him instead of his parents, the more difficult this all becomes. Like he's slowly floating away from us into a parentless void, with nurses and doctors filling in where we cannot. I want to scoop him up and take care of him, but I can't! But right now Luka is in the driver's seat as far as when he can come home. As soon as he's able to, he will get there.

As far as me, I have a torn surgery incision, and my rightie has mastitis. A round of antibiotics, it is. I'm still pumping 5,000 times a day, and producing less milk than ever. They tell me it's from the stress and not being able to be with Luka as much as I would be if he were home, but still I'm starting to feel terribly inept as a mother. I couldn't finish growing him correctly, now I can't give him enough food... I know this is silly and stuff I can't control, but damn. It really sucks.

Please come home soon, kid. We love you so much. I promise to do my best for you.

day 12 in NICU: so close, yet so far.

Luka looks like a different baby, right? He's definitely looking more and more like a healthy baby every day. He's been moved out of the 2nd floor NICU, and up to his own little NICU penthouse on the 7th floor with the "growers and feeders". According to his doctors, the PPHN disorder is no longer in his system. But now he has to get stronger and grow more before he's healthy enough to come home. He developed jaundice, most likely from being on IV fluids. But it's not clearing up as quickly as they think it should, so he's scheduled for an ultrasound on his liver and gallbladder for Monday. Hopefully it's just his system trying to work it out, and nothing too serious. Another issue is that being preemie and also from being so sick before, he cannot mouth feed enough to sustain himself yet. He can eat a teeny bit by bottle, then it wears him out and he falls asleep. If he tries to eat for more than 20 minutes or so, he will start to burn too many calories, so they have to tube feed him at that point. According to the nurses and docs, this is pretty common for a kid in his position. We keep trying, though. He'll get it soon. He did latch on for breast feeding, but the same situation applies. After a few sips, he gets too tired to continue. Poor little guy. He's had a hard life so far.

So now we are waiting for him to put on some weight, learn how to eat on his own, and find out if his liver and gallbladder are okay. We don't know when he will be coming home yet, but hopefully pretty soon.